


Open House

by finn0xo



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Bisexual Todd Brotzman, Case Fic, Crushes, Demisexual Dirk Gently, Detective Agency, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Everyone Thinks They're Together, Excessive use of pet names, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Gay Dirk Gently, House Hunting, Lots of dialogue, M/M, Pet Names, Todd Brotzman is Bad at Feelings, bad at feelings, it has a plot, potentially unfaithful realtors, things get weird but its dirk gently what do you expect dude, where the hell does this plot go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-13 08:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20171575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finn0xo/pseuds/finn0xo
Summary: As they investigate a suspect, Dirk and Todd find themselves in a series of situations they didn't plan to find themselves in.Rated teen and up just to stay on the safe side, I'll keep you updated in the chapter notes if there's anything specific that needs to be warned about.





	1. Cocky.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What kind of name is Donovan Donsons?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An insomnia-induced crisis, an email, an accident, a morning, and a meeting.

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency had been an accident, on most levels. That is, only one current member had met Dirk with the intention of ever being in a detective agency, and that was Dirk himself. But levels of strangeness, as they do around Dirk, increased rather dramatically in a short period of time, and failed to return to a point that would ever be called normal. Except, it had been a month, and no cases had come. Not a client interested, not a hunch from Dirk, and for the first time in forever, the universe seemed quiet. Farah was out in Bergsberg again (Visiting Tina and Sherlock, most likely. That had been happening more and more often as of late.) and so it was just the Dirk and Todd and the metaphorical dry spell. Todd found out rather soon what this was doing to Dirk. 

For one, Todd came to notice that his friend was very anxious. Restless. He wasn’t used to not having anything to investigate, and it wasn’t doing miracles for anyone. Stumbling into Todd’s apartment uninvited, calling at ungodly hours of the night (there were reports of this from Farah and even Amanda, too), and a concerning amount of vocalized anxieties to go along with it all. “ _ What if the universe has given up on me?,” “What if I’m not needed anymore?,” “What if all this holistic stuff was fake the entire time?,”  _ and _ “Has my whole life been a lie?” _ had all been concerningly recurring phrases, to which the only response that would consistently be appropriate was “Go to sleep, Dirk” 

Todd woke up at 4:47 that morning to his bedside table buzzing violently. On the off chance that it was a call worth waking up before 5am for, and just because he was already awake because of it.

“Hello? Uh, Dirk?”

“Todd, I have big news! Someone just emailed me,  _ we might have a case! _ She wants to meet tomorrow at 2PM, or, I suppose that would be today now--”

“Dirk, have you  _ slept _ tonight? Like, at all? It’s almost five in the morning.” It was getting more and more difficult to keep his voice low.

“Of course I slept! Just not for an extended period. Or all at once. And once I saw the email, of course there was just  _ no way  _ I was sleeping! Who just leaves emails unchecked and unresponde--”

“You responded to a professional email at five in the morning?” 

“It was actually much closer to four when I--”

“Dirk, you’re great, but you can barely write emails when you’ve had a full eight hours of sleep, it’s a miracle this lady’s still on board.” That was blunt. Then again, it was 5:00AM, and Todd felt that was a good enough excuse.

“Harsh.”

“Go to sleep, I swear I’ll come to your apartment and take away your computer until the morning.”

“Technically, it’s already the morning, Todd.”

“Don’t test me.”

“If you say so”

The line was silent for a few seconds. Todd wondered a few things in this time. For example, he wondered if his phone connection was bad. Then he wondered if his phone was bad on its own. He wondered if, just maybe, Dirk had fallen asleep, but then he talks again.

“Could you come over? I know it’s late…? Early…? It would just be, uh,  _ nice _ to have someone around.” His words came out tumbling over one another, leaving Todd with the impression that it might have been hard to say, but maybe he’s just tired. Regardless, his mind is made up.

“Sure, I’ll… I’ll be right down, dude.”

***

Todd woke up to an alarm he didn’t recognize, three hours later, on a wood floor. There was a bed next to him, and Dirk was already upright, turning off the alarm and hopping into the world. It’s only when he almost trips over Todd that he seemed to notice he’s there.

“Todd! What on Earth are you doing here?” He yelped, jumping away from Todd, whose spine felt just about ready to hatch. “Todd, why were you sleeping on my floor?”

“You asked me to come over, and invited me in. It was late. Early morning. Whatever.”  _ Did Dirk not remember inviting him over? _ They’d talked a bit, he thought, then Dirk fell asleep and eventually, he did too. “Over the phone. You called to tell me about the meeting with a client this afternoon. Unless I dreamed all that and sleepwalked here, but I think my call history says otherwise.”

“Oh. Okay.” Dirk scanned his kitchen from where he stood. It was smaller than Todd’s, less room to move. “I haven’t got coffee here, unless you want tea, but I assume you don’t, so maybe I’ll make my tea then we can go to your apartment for coffee-- not… _ like that _ \-- but I’ll get dressed and--”

“Deep breaths, Dirk. It’s okay. Do your thing. The meeting is at two, right? It’s eight thirty, there’s no rush.” He looked Dirk in the eyes and patted his shoulders a bit, trying to give an emotionally stable  _ “bro” _ kind of vibe, and, quite frankly, failing miserably. In fact, he’d put so much time into thinking about what he’d like to be doing that when Dirk finally responded, Todd still hadn’t taken his hands off Dirk’s shoulders or stopped looking into his eyes. Oops.

“You can’t pretend you have your shit together, Todd. I’ve met you.” Dirk patted Todd’s hips briefly, in the sort of way Todd had been trying to do with Dirk’s shoulders, and then turned to make tea.

“Gee, thanks. Appreciate it.” Todd caught himself smiling and staring, and turned to walk towards the door. “I’m gonna go make coffee, I’ll be back up here once I’m…”  _ Up. Down. Gross socks. Loose shorts that weren’t actually underwear, despite looking the part. Old t shirt. _ “Presentable.”

“See you.” 

***

It wasn’t long before Todd was back in Dirk’s apartment. He’d gotten dressed, made coffee, and that was… about  _ it _ , actually. When he knocked on Dirk’s door, Dirk had already had the same idea. Dressed in a collar and tie, with a yellow leather jacket over top of it, even though it was very much too hot out for it already. Dirk ushered him in and sits down at the table, across from where he’d stopped dragging Todd along. Todd set his mug down, and then himself.

“Welcome back! Hurry, we have to discuss the meeting.” Dirk looks at Todd pointedly, and sips his tea for an unnecessarily long time, waiting for an answer.

“Dirk, it’s not even nine in the morning yet.”

“So?”

“So I haven’t had a full cup of coffee, Dirk. Slow down, we’ve got hours to think about this.”

“Slow down? This is the first case in…  _ forever _ .” Dirk swung his arms wildly as he let the last word left his mouth. Todd blinked and took another sip of his coffee.

“One month.”

“A month, a week, and two days.” He smiled in the exact way he does when he doesn’t think Todd is actually looking at him, when he’s right and Todd is wrong. Cocky.

“That doesn’t matte-- wait, were you counting? Never mind, actually, I don’t want to hear the answer to that.”

“I’ve messaged Farah, she says she’s not changing her plans for the case because the plans were made so long ago. So thats another two weeks without Farah.

“Two weeks? On a case?”

“Oh I’m sure we’ll figure it out. But, Todd, here’s where it gets interesting: the client we’re meeting with won’t specify what it is she wants us to investigate over email or even phone. She says she’ll only speak about it in person.” Dirk was practically shaking with excitement.

“So there’s a privacy thing. That’s not weird, Dirk.” Todd would shoot his idea down, but he knew that if Dirk was this excited about something, that it had to lead somewhere.

“We’ll see.” Dirk looked smug again. This was all Todd needed to confirm that Dirk knew something he didn’t, or at least  _ felt _ something he didn’t. Holistically or whatever.

***

Mrs. Carol Donsons walked into the detective agency office at precisely 2:00 PM. At that point, Todd had been sitting behind a desk near the door for twenty minutes. Dirk had only gone to sit in the other room where they would speak with Mrs. Donsons seven minutes ago.

“Hello,” she pulled a card from her pantsuit with her name and email on it. “Carol Donsons. I believe I have an appointment.”

“So I’ve heard. Right this way.” Todd said, getting up from his office chair and leading Mrs. Donsons into the other room. “After you.”

The room they were in featured two sofas facing each other (very square. Farah said this made the space look professional.) and a glass coffee table between them. Todd sat down next to Dirk on one sofa, and Mrs. Donsons sat on the other sofa. Dirk leaned over the table to shake her hand, a polite look about him.

“Hello Mrs. Donsons. Dirk Gently.” He shook her hand once, then adjusted his jacket and sat back down.

“Just Carol is fine.” She pursed her lips and crossed her legs. “Now, about the matters at hand. I understand this isn’t your usual area of expertise, but I have reason to believe my husband is being unfaithful, and if you could watch him, I promise you will be well compensated.”

“That’s really not what we--” Todd started, before being  _ subtly _ jabbed in the side by Dirk.

“Of course, we would be glad to.” Todd looked at Dirk, in the same way that one might look at a particularly large, sticky wad of gum that they had just stepped in. “You say we will be well compensated.  _ How _ well?”

“Oh, how does forty grand sound?”

“You do realize that is more than twice our normal rate for a case of this estimated length, right?” Todd gawked.

“If you get the job done, then consider it already paid.” She placed a folder on the table. “This is everything you need to know about Don. Contact me when you have more information, I will meet with you then.”

And then she was gone.

***

“What kind of name is  _ Donovan Donsons? _ Like yeah, sure, it’s a catchy realtor name but holy shit.” Todd flipped through the files.

“A suspicious kind of name.” 

“Can names be suspicious on their own?”

“Of course they can. Look at this name. That’s suspicious, Todd.” Todd sighed at this, not exactly feeling the need to argue the point.

“So he’s a realtor. Why don’t we go to a house he’s selling, then, and see what he’s like? Just to give us an idea.”

“Right. Good! Wonderful assisting, Todd. Let’s do that.” Todd already had his phone out and was searching for houses.

“Okay, he’s got a few open, which one of these looks like it would realistically be in our budget if we were buying a house?” He handed the phone to Dirk, who decided to grin at Todd instead of scroll through the houses.

“Aww, you want to hypothetically move in with me?”

“It’s just for the case.”

“You never fail to humble me, Todd.” It’s that cocky smile again. Motherfucker. “I think I’ve found the house.” He showed Todd a picture of a one story house, painted yellowish white, with a wide brown roof. There was a small front garden with a concrete slab path that led to the front door. It did, indeed, look like the sort of house that the two of them might be moving into. 

“Okay, this’ll do. I’ll email and we’ll see when we can go.”


	2. Guided Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then the poetry was gone, and it was just Dirk, the cream on his face, and his waffles in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the last one, but trust me, it's for good reason.

The email in response came in three hours. Dirk, naturally, had been refreshing the detective agency email page for about two and a quarter of those hours before Todd had convinced him to go get something to eat with him. They ended up at a breakfast food restaurant, at which Dirk ordered waffles, and Todd regretted his decision to let Dirk choose the restaurant they were eating at.

“So, what do you think this one’s going to turn into?” Todd asked, prodding an egg he didn’t particularly want. Dirk swallowed a mouthful of waffle (leaving a considerable amount of whipped cream around his mouth in the process) before responding.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, every case has turned into something weirder than it starts out being. It’s a Dirk thing. So what do you think it’s gonna be this time?”

“Well, it does have to be, uh,” he pondered the waffles for an almost poetic length of moment. “_ Something _.” And then the poetry was gone, and it was just Dirk, the cream on his face, and his waffles in front of him. It was, quite frankly, infuriating. 

Dirk’s stare had been hopping between his food and Todd (at an increasingly fast pace) as they ate over the next five minutes.

“Dirk, do you want me to check the email again?”

“Desperately.” He pushed his plate to one side to lean across the booth, elbows-first. “Anything yet?”

“There is! Hold on, it’s taking a second to load… here it is!” Dirk, more overexcited than he maybe _ should _ have been, grabbed the phone from Todd’s hand and started reading aloud:

> “** _‘Good evening,_ **
> 
> ** _Thank you for considering this home in your search. If you would like to see it one on one with just myself and the sellers, a private tour of the property could be scheduled this upcoming Tuesday at 11:00AM. If this time or date does not work with your schedule, do not refrain from informing me, and we can reschedule._ **
> 
> ** _Wishing you well,_ **
> 
> ** _\- Donovan Donsons’_ **

Todd! That’s the day after tomorrow! We have an appointment to meet a suspect in two days!” Dirk was bouncing again by the time he handed Todd back his phone. 

“Less than two days, really. It’s past six o’clock.” His friend was trying to hold back a full grin at this point, and it wasn’t working very well, from what Todd could see. (And, it mightn’t kill to note that Todd was also letting himself smile at this point. It’s not like anyone was in the restaurant, minus Dirk and the employees, to see him do it.)

“A day and a half! Even _ better! _” Dirk must have had a hunch of some sort about where this was going. Not that he didn’t, usually, in just about any scenario, but he had a sort of… giddiness about him whenever they talked about their plans, and Todd had to admit that, now that he knew Dirk, it was really a bit charming. A bit.

Todd, upon recognizing their presence, swore he’d bury those sentiments somewhere far away from his train of thought.

Turned out, he wasn’t very good at that.

***

Tuesday morning was there sooner than Todd had expected it to be. Which is to say that he had slept in on Monday, spent the rest of the day letting Dirk ramble about what he thought Donovan might be like, and woken up the next day on Dirk’s couch. (Which, while certainly an upgrade from the floor, made Todd wonder how exactly he kept ending up in Dirk’s apartment this week, and whether or not this trend would continue. He considered making a decision about which of the two possibilities regarding this would be better, but for his sake, decided that the right decision was not to decide. He also decided that at some point he’d look for a better word to use than _ decide _ .) Dirk had been awake for two hours already at this point, because _ of course he had _, and had woken Todd up with a coffee he’d bought from a cafe down the street.

“…Dirk?” Dirk was standing over him, grinning, and hopping from one side to the other a little bit. 

“Todd! Wake up. I got you coffee. You have to come to the kitchen to get it, though.”

“Wh-- _ why? _” 

Dirk’s response was painfully _ matter-of-fact _ ly presented, which was not a surprise but… a _ thing _. It was a thing.

“So you get up and you can start your day, obviously.” 

“Right.”

He drank his coffee and listened to the theories that Dirk had somehow not yet run out of. It was sweet, all of it. More sweet than usual, but not too sweet.

_ ‘Yeah _ ,’ he finished his coffee. ‘ _ this is good.’ _

A few stray coffee grounds swirled at the bottom of his cup.

***

“Okay, can you double check that this is the address?” Todd pulled into the driveway of what he was pretty sure was the house they were supposed to be at, and shifted into _ park _.

“This is the place!” No more words had to be said by either of them before Dirk unbuckled his seatbelt and practically bounced out of the car. “Come on! Hurry! This is very, very important!”

The two of them walked up the front steps, Dirk first, per his extensive enthusiasm, then Todd, who pointed out the “doorbell broken, please knock” label over the button that Dirk had been pressing, and then knocked.

“Right. Yes. Of course. Great assisting, T--” The door opened, interrupting Dirk quite rudely. 

“Ah! You must be the folks who emailed! Come in.” The man in front of them wasn’t large, but he loomed over you in a way that can only be described as _ Big _. He’s wearing a suit, but the top button of his dress shirt was unbuttoned, the way people do when they’re trying to look cool but still like someone you should be doing business with.

“Yep, that’s us!” Dirk supplies, going in to shake Donovan’s hand. “Dirk Gently. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The realtor then turned to Todd, and extended his hand.

“Todd.” One shake. “Brotzman. Todd Brotzman, that’s me. Hello.” Two shakes. The man's hands were… so clammy. _ So _ clammy.

“Well, hello to you, Dirk Gently and Todd Brotzman. The sellers have gone out, but I think I know my way around pretty well.” He winked, like he thought there was any chance of it coming across any level of not-uncomfortable-as-fuck. He then led them into a hallway, pointing out all the closets and light fixtures and the floor and the ceiling and the walls. Todd made a point to look interested in both what he was saying and what features of the house he was actually talking about.

“So, it’s not often you get two men moving into a house together. You guys must be close, if you’re committing to a house, eh?” He chuckled to himself. Like the knight in shining armour of awkward interactions, Dirk chimed in cheerily:

“Oh, we’re married.”

Wait, we’re _ what? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we begin to see the tags unfold... chapter three will be significantly longer, and will see even more of our tags foreseeing this fic's future become reality.


End file.
